


When it all comes crashing down

by Jecari



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Buck, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Love Confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21501511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari
Summary: Buck cries for Christopher, for Eddie, for the rest of his family– for Maddie, Athena, Karen– for every person involved one way or another. He cries for himself, for things he meant to say but might never have the chance.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 29
Kudos: 498





	When it all comes crashing down

There was a time when being a firefighter meant everything to Evan Buckley– more than a job, it was who he was, what made him Buck. So when his health put an end to his career, he lost himself. Buck had always wanted to be a firefighter, there was never another option– it was what he was meant to be. It wasn’t just about losing his job, it was about losing the only purpose he’d ever had. It was about losing the only family he’d ever had. Lonely, goalless, and baffled, Buck ended up in a bad place where life didn’t seem worth living anymore, and help came in a quite unexpected way.

If anyone had told Buck that he would seek advice from a nine-year-old one day, he would have laughed in their faces. But that’s exactly what he had done and what had helped him and made him hope again. Christopher believed that anything was possible– even being a pirate– and that made Buck see things from a new perspective. When he had put a gentle hand on his cheek and had told him that he was going to be okay– calling him kid– Buck finally believed those words for the first time in what felt like forever.

It’d taken time, lots of effort, and overwhelming support coming from the family he had found in the 118, Maddie, Chris, and Athena, but Buck got there. Eventually, he felt okay again. He still didn’t have a clue about what he wanted to do with his life, but at least, he knew it wasn’t hopeless. Buck just had to learn who he was out of a firefighter uniform, outside the station, and he followed Chimney’s advice about that: he had given himself time. Eventually, he found out that firefighter Buck and Evan Buckley weren’t that different– they both shared the same values, qualities, and flaws, and they both had that burning desire to help people. Those things Buck believed about himself, those things he thought he was– brave and strong– never had anything to do with his job or what he was wearing. It was who he was, period.

Owing it all to a nine-year-old boy might have hurt anyone else’s ego, but not Buck’s. Buck was too thankful to be blindsided by misplaced pride. If anything, it made him love Christopher even more. Therefore, when Eddie mentioned that Carla was leaving because of personal reasons and he needed to find someone to take care of his son while he was working, Buck didn’t hesitate. He had plenty of free time and loved the boy as if he were his own, so he offered his help to his best friend, who accepted it in a heartbeat. For short while, money had been a touchy subject between them as Eddie insisted on paying Buck– because taking care of his son was, apparently, a “real job”– and Buck stubbornly refused to take it. After some time, Eddie dropped it. Instead of giving Buck money, he found other ways– more subtle, but still obvious to Buck– to thank and help him. Be it dinner invitations, because Buck couldn’t afford food at the end of the month, or gifts– like that time Buck’s watch stopped working and Eddie gave him a new one the following day– Buck knew Eddie was doing those things as a way to repay him for helping with Christopher. He knew it was important to his best friend so he let Eddie spoil him, even if he really wasn’t expecting anything in return for looking after the boy.

When he started spending more time with Christopher, picking him up after school and spending entire days with him during weekends while Eddie was at work, Buck didn’t think about how that would affect his relationship with the other man. If they were close before, they were now connected in a whole new way, a way that made Buck feel like he’d always been part of Eddie’s and Chris’ lives, part of their family. It wasn’t just Chris who Buck spent more time with but also his best friend, sharing beers and listening about his day while the boy was sleeping. Sometimes, it stung, not being out there with Eddie, not having his back anymore, and Buck missed his job, missed the 118 even if he saw them regularly, but he buried those feelings and thoughts deep, reminding himself that this was his life now. And it wasn’t so bad. He liked it.

With Eddie and Christopher, for the first time since the 118, Buck felt like he belonged to something big and beautiful. He felt like he mattered and was doing something important. He felt loved and happy. As days turned into weeks, that feeling grew bigger and bigger, making his heart flutter every time Eddie looked at him or Chris smiled. Buck tried not to give it too much thought, he was spending so much time with them– with Eddie– that his head and heart were just confused. Rightfully so. However, the way Eddie’s attitude toward him slowly changed didn’t help. Often, Buck caught his best friend looking at him as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t work up the courage to do it, and he certainly didn’t miss how their hugs lasted longer than necessary, Eddie’s hands lingering on the small of his back even once they pulled away. Buck convinced himself that it didn’t mean anything, and succeeded, until one particular day at the beach.

Buck and Eddie were lounging on a towel, talking and taking in the sun while Christopher was playing with the sand, building a castle, just like they always did. Yet, things felt different, almost as if something important was about to happen. Buck’s intuition would never have prepared him for what came next. One second, Eddie was keeping an eye on Chris, sunglasses perched on his nose, and the next one said sunglasses were gone and he was looking at him. That look made Buck’s skin burn hotter than the sun. The kiss that followed set fire to his entire body.

They started dating after that, and dating someone never felt so right to Buck. Maybe it was because Eddie was his best friend before being his boyfriend, but Buck felt like he could be himself, like he didn’t have to try hard to be perfect or be the person Eddie wanted him to be. The man had already seen him at his worst and, for a reason Buck didn’t understand, he still wanted to be with him.  
Naturally, they told Christopher before officializing their relationship. After Buck spent the night at Eddie’s after their fourth date, the firefighter cooked breakfast while Buck stole pieces of fresh fruit and kisses before waking up the boy. The three of them settled at the table, and Eddie was the one to break the news, Buck being weirdly nervous. After his father made sure he knew what dating meant, the boy stood up, walked around the table and gave Buck the biggest hug he’d ever been given.

“Does that mean we’re a family now?” the kid mumbled against Buck’s neck.

“We already were, Buddy,” Eddie replied, smiling.

Buck was so happy he almost cried.

*

Months later, Buck’s life is everything he had hoped for and more.

Buck, Eddie, and Chris quickly settled into a new routine, feeling more and more like a family, one bounded by love, and Buck has never been happier. Eddie plays a big part in his bliss. Sure, they fight sometimes, just like every couple does, but they never stay mad at each other for long. Buck can’t deny it, he’s in love. However, he doesn’t have the courage to tell him yet, fearing it’s too soon or that it scares Eddie, so he keeps his feelings for himself, close to his heart, waiting for the right time.

Being around the 118 team, listening to them talking about crazy emergencies and other firefighting-related things, and supporting Eddie after a hard day at work, doesn’t make his heart clench anymore. Buck has moved on, deciding to become a fire marshal. He might not be able to put out fires anymore, but he can still help people, he can prevent them from happening, and that’s something.

Buck has everything he’s ever wanted: hope, love, and a family. It’s almost too good to be true.

Buck settles in the kitchen to write reports after putting Christopher to bed and reading him a bedtime story, his notes and documents scattered on the table. He’s knees deep into numbers and laws when his phone buzzes with an incoming call, making him jump. Seeing his sister’s name on the screen, he picks it up and answers the call. Maddie doesn't usually call him this late so worry instantly settles in his stomach, twisting it unpleasantly.

“Maddie, are you okay?” He asks before she can say anything.

“Um…yes, yes, I’m fine,” Maddie replies, but she doesn’t sound okay at all.

Her voice is weak and trembling, as if she’s trying not to cry which puts Buck on high alert. He straightens on his chair and his grip on the phone tightens as he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves.

“Don’t lie to me, Mads,” he sighs.

“I– ” Maddie starts but her voice breaks.

Buck’s jaw sets, and he takes another deep breath through his nose as he stays silent, giving time to his sister. Something is wrong, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, and as panic grows, his heart beats faster and his leg bounces uncontrollably under the table. He feels the need to keep his hands busy, so as he waits for her to speak again, he grabs a pen and plays with it, making it roll and spin on his fingers.

“So– something happened,” she sobs. “A– a building collapsed a– and the team…”

Buck immediately connects the dots, and he freezes, dropping the pen on the floor. His eyes follow it as it rolls under the fridge, not really seeing it, as horror turn his thoughts into a whirling chaos. Buck knows from experience that being a firefighter is dangerous, that every man and woman wearing the uniform put their lives on the line on a daily basis, so he imagines all worst case scenarios in a span of a few seconds. Yet, the question he asks Maddie is the simplest one.

“Are they okay?”

“We d– don’t know, they’re stuck inside, and we can’t– we can’t contact them,” Maddie announces her voice shaking with sobs.

Buck feels his heart stop beating before thumping hard in his chest as his hands shake. He grabs another pen. “No…”

“I’m sorry, Evan. I– I wanted to be the one to tell you,” Maddie whispers.

“I– Eddie…” Buck whispers, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes.

Even though the whole team, his entire family, is stuck under the building, his boyfriend’s name is the first one that escapes his lips. He can’t lose him, he can’t. Breathing deeply, in and out, refusing to let anxiety overwhelm him, Buck focuses on keeping his thoughts in check. He tries to reassure himself, tells himself that it’s not the first time something like that happened, that they are trained professionals and that they’ll survive this, just like they survived everything else so far. They have too. But the little voice in his head telling him that he was a trained professional too and almost died in the line of duty gets louder and louder. Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s standing up, ready to leave. He needs to do something, anything, he can’t stay here, in Eddie’s house while the man he loves is trapped under a building.

“Where is it?” He asks Maddie, his voice weirdly calm, almost detached.

“No, Evan,” his sister stays firmly, “it’s too dangerous. You stay home with Chris. It’s going to be okay, they are going to be okay.”

Buck isn’t sure if Maddie is trying to convince him or herself, but his body freezes when she says the boy’s name. Oh God, Christopher. He already lost his mother, he can’t lose his father too. Life can’t be that cruel… 

Yet it can– Buck knows it can, but he wants to keep hope. He can’t imagine what losing Eddie would do to the kid. What’s going to happen to Chris if– 

Slumping back on the chair, Buck shakes his head. He can’t go down that path; it’s a dangerous one he might not come back from.

Unable to stay still, he stands up again, seconds after sitting down, and paces in the kitchen. He needs to be strong, he can’t let his emotions get the best of him. Knowing all too well that if he lets a tear fall down, he won’t be able to control the rest, he bites his lower lip, closes his eyes and steadies his breathing. 

It’s going to be okay. They are going to be okay, he tells himself, repeating his sister’s words in his head.

“Evan?”

“I’m still here,” he replies quietly.

“I need to hang up. I’ll call you back as soon as I know more.”

Buck doesn’t answer and ends the call but keeps his phone in his hand. He needs something to hold onto. With the reports long forgotten– it’s not like he can focus on anything right now– Buck goes to the living room and turns the TV on, careful to keep the sound low enough to not wake up Chris. Going through channels, he finds one that is covering the building collapse live and sits on the couch, staring at the screen, hoping to get more information. He doesn’t. The channel only shows the same shots, and the reporter repeats the same things on a loop.

“Bucky?”

Christopher’s voice makes Buck jump, and he quickly turns the TV off. A quick glance around him informs him that it’s morning already and the sun is already rising. His eyes haven’t left the screen all night, and his brain hasn’t given him a single second of break, restlessly assaulting him with worries and all kind of thoughts he wishes never crossed his mind. 

As he turns his head toward the boy, Buck tries. He tries to put a smile on his face, he tries to sound cheerful when he greets him, and he tries not to hug him too tight when Christopher sits on his lap. But he fails. His smile feels forced, his voice sounds fake, and his arms hold the kid close with force.

“Where’s daddy?”

Buck’s heart clenches at the question, and of course, that’s when his brain decides to fall silent, leaving his head empty. He’s spent all night hoping to not have to have that conversation with Christopher and thinking about how to break the news to him if he has no other choice. Even though he’s played the conversation a thousand times in his head, Buck’s forgotten everything. Words die in his throat, making the lump that appeared there when Maddie called him bigger.

“He’s still at work,” Buck replies, still hugging Chris.

“But it’s Saturday! What about the zoo?” Christopher asks, slightly pulling away to look at Buck.

Buck’s eyes fall on the couch, unable to meet Chris’. “We’ll go another day, buddy, we– we need to stay home.”

“Why? Are you feeling sick?” The boy worries, resting his hand against Buck’s forehead.

The gentle touch brings tears back in Buck’s eyes, his throat tight with emotions and sadness. He fights them again, and he smiles at Christopher.

“No, I’m okay.”

The boy tilts his head to the side. “You don’t look okay.”

Taking a deep breath to gather his courage, Buck can’t lie to Chris. It wouldn’t be fair, as much as he wants to protect him, the kid needs to know. He needs to be ready– as ready as he can be– if… 

Shaking his head, Buck stops his train of thoughts again.

“I’m not really,” he confesses, forcing himself to look into Chris’ eyes, “I’m not sick but– but I’m scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared,” the kid says confidently, like a lesson learned.

“I need to tell you something, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, it’s going to be okay, okay Bud?” Christopher nods so Buck continues. “You know your daddy’s work is dangerous.” The boy nods again. “Well, something happened last night, a– an accident. ”

“Is Daddy hurt?” Chris asks, slightly shaking with fear.

“I don’t know,” Buck can’t bring himself to lie, “he’s trapped in a building that collapsed with Chimney, Hen, Bobby and other firefighters.”

“We can use the walkie-talkies!” the boy suggests. “Daddy said that the walkie-talkies always works, even when phones don’t.”

Buck fondly smiles at him. “Not this time, Buddy. I’m not sure what is happening, but their radios aren’t working.”

The truth is Buck has an idea about what is happening, the team probably is trapped under tons of concrete and other material that block the signals. But that’s a truth he doesn’t have the courage to tell.

Christopher’s face falls. “If their walkie-talkies don’t work, how can they call for help?”

“They can’t, but there are a lot of people looking for them right now, they’re going to find them,” Buck assures him, holding his face between his hands.

“B– But–”

Christopher can’t finish his sentence as his body starts to shake more violently and tears run down his cheeks. Buck wipes them away with his thumbs before taking the kid in his arms, holding him close as his hold back his tears.

“I– I– want my daddy,” Christopher hiccups against Buck’s chest.

The desperation in the kid’s voice breaks Buck’s heart, and before he can’t stop himself, he’s crying. Silent tears are drowning his cheeks as he strokes Christopher’s back and whispers soothing words against his hair.

Buck cries for Christopher, for Eddie, for the rest of his family– for Maddie, Athena, Karen– for every person involved one way or another. He cries for himself, for things he meant to say but might never have the chance.

Buck is woken up by the doorbell a couple of hours later. He's still sitting on the couch, his head heavy with fear, worry, and lack of sleep, his neck is sore from the position he fell asleep in, and Christopher is still in his arms, slowly waking up, too. For a split second, as his brain isn't fully awake yet, Buck forgets about why he's here, about what happened– about his family and his boyfriend being trapped under a collapsed building. When it comes back to him, it feels like a punch in the best. Air is sucked out of his lungs, struggling to find its way back in. He doesn't let panic settle in, though. He looks down at Chris and replaces it with love for the boy, it anchors him, stops him from breaking down again.

"I'm coming," Buck grunts when the doorbell rings again.

He settles Christopher on the couch, planting a kiss on his head before slowly walking to the door. When he opens the door, he finds Maddie on the porch. His sister looks as bad as he feels. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she looks exhausted.

"What are you doing here? What's going on? Did they find them?"

"N– no, no, nothing happened. Still no word from them, but they started digging. I should have called before showing up, I... I just didn't want to be alone and– and–"

Buck cuts her off with a hug, and she starts crying before he even gets a chance to drag her inside. His big sister looks so small right now… Buck holds her in his arms, slowly and gently stroking her back, hoping it's enough to calm her down a bit. It takes a while, but eventually, Maddie pulls away and wipes her tears. She takes an instant to put herself together and smiles at him, looking embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, I–"

"It's okay, Mads," Buck smiles at her sadly. "Let's get inside."

"Does Chris know?"

"Yeah. Should I have kept him in the dark? Not tell him? I don't know, I don't know how to–" Buck rambles anxiously before stopping to catch his breath.

"Evan, you did good," she assures him, resting a gentle hand on his arm. "He deserves to know."

Buck nods. He closes the door behind Maddie and grabs her hand as he walks back to the living room.

"Look who I found," he says to Chris, who peeks at them over the back of the couch.

"Aunt Maddie!"

"Hey kiddo," Maddie greets him, walking to him and ruffling his hair.

"Daddy is trapped at work," the kid announces.

"I know, but he's going to be okay. Do you want to know how I know that?" Christopher nods. "Everyone else is with him. He's not alone, he has Bobby and Hen and Chimney with him."

"My daddy is stronger than Chimney," Christopher laughs.

"Hey, it's not because he's taller that he's stronger," Maddie argues, smiling.

It's an argument they had about a million times over the last few months, but it never gets old. Buck stands awkwardly in a corner, listening to them defend their loved ones, Christopher his father and Maddie her boyfriend. It is uncomfortably normal, but while Buck would have usually joined in, he can't bring himself to. Nothing about this situation is ordinary. Eddie could be dead. His heart clenches and his eyes go wide, burning with new tears, at the thought. It's the first time he lets himself think about it, but he regrets it as soon as it slips his mind. When his stomach clenches with fear and anguish, the sensation gives him a short yet welcomed distraction he takes advantage of.

"Who wants breakfast?" He asks, clapping his hands and putting a smile on his face.

"Pancakes?" Maddie offers, walking away from Christopher who says he's hungry.

Buck shakes his head. "I've got it, can you watch him?"

"Evan," his sister sighs softly so Christopher doesn't hear her, "you look terrible. You should rest or at least take a shower. It'll make you feel better."

"It won't," Buck disagrees, pulling at his sweater sleeves. "I– I need to do something, anything. I can't– If I–"

"Okay, okay," Maddie stops him, taking his hands in hers to stop him from fidgeting. "Breathe, Evan. What about we make breakfast together, the three of us?" She suggests a bit louder.

"Yes! Can I break the eggs?" the boy asks, already walking to the kitchen.

Maddie sends Buck a questioning look as she smiles to which he replies with a shrug. Thankfully, Maddie is a better cook than Buck is– despite, just like him, feeding mostly on frozen pizzas during her younger years. Buck shakes his head when he starts to think about why his sister learned to cook perfect meals, stopping the guilt that he generally feels– when he thinks about what she went through with her husband– from settling in his already heavy chest. In spite of Maddie’s effort, the kitchen quickly turns into a war zone, flour and pancake batter covering the kitchen worktop. While the woman cooks the pancakes, Buck and Christopher clean the kitchen. The former puts away his work documents, while the latter starts with their mess. Once everything is ready, they set the table and have breakfast, making small talk. They carefully avoid talking about the elephant in the room.

“So, what are our plans for today?” Maddie asks after a while, making clear that she has no intention to leave anytime soon. Buck is relieved.

“We were supposed to go to the zoo,” Christopher replies before taking a bite of his pancakes.

“Oh, I didn’t get a chance to visit the zoo yet,” Maddie hums, obviously plotting something.

Buck looks at her and shakes his head, telling her to stop with no words. His sister just shrugs, quickly moving her eyebrows up and down.

“Is it fun?” She asks Christopher and Buck instantly what she’s trying to do.

Maddie is trying to distract the boy from everything that is going on by making him talk about his favorite place in the city. It’s clever. Buck admires her quick thinking, awareness, and selflessness.

“Yes!” Christopher replies, enthusiastic.

They finish breakfast to the sound of Chris’ voice, listing all the animals that can be seen at the zoo, describing them down to the smallest detail. Talking about the zoo makes the kid smile brightly, his voice light and airy, and Buck exchanges a look with Maddie. The way her eyes are shining and her lips twitch upward tell him that she’s thinking the same thing.

“We should go,” Buck announces, while he’s doing the dishes.

“To the zoo?” Chris asks, hopeful.

“To the zoo,” Buck nods, smiling.

“Yeees!” Maddie exclaims, throwing the dish towel she was using dry plates in Buck’s face. “Let’s get ready, kiddo.” She offers her hand to Christopher. “Buck can finish cleaning alone since he didn’t help with the cooking,” she adds, earning an exaggerated shocked look from her brother.

He glares at her as his mouth hangs open, forming a small “o” slightly deformed by his soft smile. Buck’s smile grows, feeling somewhat less forced when Christopher stands up and snuggles his legs as strongly as he can.

*  
The Buckleys’ plan works. They spend the day at the zoo with Christopher who acts like Maddie’s personal tour guide all day long, his smile never leaving this face. If he’s honest, it helps Buck too, it’s a nice distraction and just seeing the kid smile make him feel better. Maddie looks better too, Buck can tell she’s still thinking about Chimney and everyone else, her eyes sometimes sadly staring into the distance, just like his do when Eddie crosses his mind, but she closely listens to the kid, smiles, and laughs with him. 

Christopher doesn’t mention his father and even though Buck finds it weird, he doesn’t question it– he knows not everyone deals with this kind of situation the same way. Chris is a kid, he probably doesn’t fully comprehend what could happen and Buck is somehow relieved by that. After all, his father found himself in life threatening situation before, and he always came back, so in his head it’s probably just taking a bit longer this time.

“Hey, Bud,” he says softly, kneeling next to the bed to look at Christopher’s whose face is surely enough drowned in tears, “what is it?”

Chris sniffles loudly as he sits up. “Nothing.”

“Christopher,” Buck sighs sitting on the edge of the bed, “it’s not nothing if it makes you cry.”

“B– But I don’t want to make you sad.”

“Seeing you cry and not being able to help you is what makes me the saddest,” Buck realizes the truth his words hold as he says them.

Christopher starts crying harder, his little body shaking with sobs as he lurches forward to wrap his arms around Buck’s neck. He rests his chin on his shoulder and Buck rests his head against Chris’, soothingly caressing it.

“Bucky… When is daddy coming home?”

Buck sighs, holding him closer. “I don’t know, buddy.”

“I miss him,” Christopher hiccups. 

“Me too,” Buck whispers, his heart clenching painfully in his chest as he helps the boy lay down again and settles next to him in his small bed. 

God, how much he misses his family…

For the second night in a row, sleep doesn't come. 

The next day, Buck keeps Christopher– and himself– distracted as well as he can. They watch cartoons while they eat cereal for breakfast. They play with Legos, order pizza for lunch, make drawings, and even watch Chris’ favorite movie… Buck does everything he can think of. While it works on the boy, it fails on him. As the hours pass, he has more and more trouble putting on a brave face. It’s been more than thirty-four hours, and the team’s chances to get out of the building alive lower with every second that glides by.

Buck is laying on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep from exhaustion Chris is drawing again, while Monsters, Inc. plays on the TV’s screen when the doorbell rings, making him leap. Sitting up, he searches his memory, trying to remember if Maddie told him she would stop by today when she texted him earlier, but he doesn’t think she did. Fear makes him hesitate, his heart cracking as he thinks that it could be someone coming here to notify the family. Shaking his head, hoping it’s enough to chase the thought away, he walks to the door and opens it. A sigh of relief escapes his lips as he sees Isabel, Eddie’s grandmother, smiling sadly at him with her hands full of dishes.

“Isabel,” Buck tries to smile at her, but it’s so hard he gives up, “it’s good to see you.”

“Sorry it took me so long to come, mijo,” she whispers, doing her best to avoid looking at Buck in the eyes. “I– Christopher– I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Buck reassures her before taking the plates she hands him. “I get it.”

Buck truly does get it. Isabel looks like a nervous mess even if she’s trying to hide it. She couldn’t face Christopher after receiving such a worrying news, Buck doesn’t blame her. He steps to the side to let her come in, and turns around to go to the kitchen but her voice stops him.

“Evan,” she whispers, facing Buck and resting a gentle hand on his arm, “you look tired.”

“I’m fine,” he lies, looking down at the food he’s carrying.

Isabel pats his arm. “I brought dinner. Why don’t we eat and then you go home and get some rest?”

Buck looks around him, eyebrows knitted in confusion. He is home.

“Your apartment,” the woman explains, catching Buck’s confusion.

“I can’t,” Buck disagrees, shaking his head. “I’m not leaving Chris alone.”

Not wanting to hear more, Buck disappears in the kitchen, turning the oven on. His apartment… It doesn’t even feel like his anymore. Even though he still hasn’t officially moved in, Buck’s been spending every day and night here for a while now, his clothes hanging in the closet next to Eddie’s, his toothbrush by the sink next to his and Christopher’s… This is where Chris and Eddie are, so this is his home. They are his home.

“He won’t be alone. I’ll be with him,” Isabel says walking in the kitchen, after saying hello to Christopher.

“Bu–” Buck starts to argue, opening the oven to heat the food, but Eddie’s abuela stops both his sentence and his movement.

“You’re no good for Christopher if you don’t take care of yourself,” she declares, taking the dish from his hands with a small smile.

Buck watches her in bewilderment, a frown making the space between his eyebrows wrinkle as his mouth hangs open, wondering why she just stopped him from putting the food in the oven. When he realizes, his eyes go wide, and he feels his cheek flush in embarrassment. He wasn’t about to put the dish in the oven, he almost put it in the dishwasher. So even if it’s the last thing he wants to do, Buck agrees to go to his place after dinner. Isabel is right. He can’t be here for Christopher if he doesn’t take care of himself first. However, as they eat dinner and Christopher tells Isabel about his day at the zoo with Buck and Maddie, another idea blossoms in his head. Even if he wanted to sleep, he knows he can’t. He can’t rest knowing some of the people he loves the most in the world could be dying.

An hour later, Buck is wearing his jacket, ready to leave, but Christopher doesn’t make it easy for him. He started crying as soon as Buck started explaining that he needed to go to his apartment to get some sleep while Isabel was doing the dishes, and he hasn’t stopped since. Buck’s heart breaks at the sight of his drenched face and the way Christopher clings to his legs, but he’s made his decision. He’s leaving and going to the site of the collapse.

“Please don’t leave me,” Christopher begs, lurching into Buck, clasping his arms around his neck.

“I’ll be back, I promise,” Buck whispers, fighting his tears, “but I need to find your daddy first, okay?”

Christopher’s hugs him tighter at the mention of his father before pulling away. “Okay.”

“I love you, buddy,” he says, wiping the boy’s tears away.

Buck takes Chris’ head between his hands and plants a kiss on his forehead before standing up. As he turns around, ready to walk to the door, he hears the boy’s shy voice:

“I love you too, dad.”

It stops Buck dead in his tracks. He doesn’t move for a little while, wondering if it’s a slip of his tongue or if Christopher really meant to call him dad. Buck looks at the kid over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised.

Christopher smiles at his through his tears. “Do you like papa better?”

Buck can’t help but smile at the question, his insides warming up. He runs back to Christopher, falls to his knees and hugs him.

“You decide and tell me when I’m back, okay?” Buck suggests and Christopher nods.

He smiles at the kid, gets back on his feet and plants a kiss on top of his head before leaving.

Buck needs to find Eddie and the rest of his family.

*

When Buck arrives at the location of the collapse, the scene that welcomes him is even worse than he imagined. People are gathered at the limit of the security perimeter, some of them crying and hugging each other, some taking pictures with their phones, others just blankly staring at the heap of debris. Flashing lights coming from police cars, firetrucks and ambulances bathe the war-like scene in blue and red lights while bright spotlights shed light on the rubble. The sound of crying mixes with orders shouted by the rescue workers, their barking dogs, and the loud rumbling of various shoveling machines into a deafening cacophony. The air smells like gas, dirt, and dust, making Buck cough.

This chaos doesn’t help Buck calm his nerves, if anything it only makes it worse. His heart throbs rapidly in his chest, each beat hurting more than the previous one. His hands are shaking uncontrollably, and this time, he can’t hold his tears back. As he lets them fall freely, choking on air, he forces his way through the crowd. His firefighter’s instincts resurfaces and the need to be in there, to help, is the only thing stopping him from falling apart. He has to find his family, he has to find Eddie.

“Hey!” he shouts once he reaches the yellow tape that defines the security perimeter, hoping to catch someone’s attention, anyone’s.

A police officer with gaunt features and a mustache walks to him, he looks exhausted. “I’m sorry sir, we haven’t identified the bodies yet, I can’t give you any names yet,” he says in a dull tone, as if he’s already said it a thousand times.

“B– Bodies?” Buck stammers as he instantly thinks about the 118, but he shakes his head. “I’m a fire marshal. I was a firefighter before, I can help.”

The police officer gives him a once over, unconvinced, before turning around. Buck takes a step forward, ignoring the tape and grabs his wrist so tight he might end up in jail for assault, but he doesn’t care.

“Let me help!” Buck yells. “I need to help, my family is trapped there. My boyfriend– whose nine years old son is waiting for him at home– is stuck under there too. Let. Me. Help!” he demands. “Let me help, or I swear I’ll–”

“That’s enough, kid,” a strong voice Buck’s recognizes as Athena’s cuts him off, as a gentle yet firm hand grabs his wrist, taking his hand off the officer.

The man glares at Buck as Athena apologizes before turning around and getting back to work. Buck stares at the emptiness, taking shallow breaths that burn his cramped throat but hardly reach his lungs. Flashbacks of that time when Eddie and him were trapped in a barely standing building after an earthquake twirl into his mind. All he wants right now is to be with his boyfriend, take him in his arms and tell him how much he loves him, but he might never have the chance to do so. Buck knows Eddie’s a fighter, if not for him, he has to be fighting for Christopher. Besides, he’s not alone, the rest of the team is with him. 

Yet, he could be dead, they all could be. Chris could be an orphan. The thought makes his head spin, and his legs give in, making him lose balance. Buck doesn’t have the strength to force himself to stay on his feet and feels his body fall backward. He braces himself for impact with the ground, but it never comes. Athena catches him.

“It’s okay, kid,” she whispers, keeping him upright. “Stay with me.”

Buck’s body shakes with loud sobs and tears that, within a few seconds, drench his cheeks. “Athena, please, I– I– I” he hiccups, “I can’t go home to Chris without his father. I– I can’t lose Eddie. I can’t lose any of them, they are my family.”

“I know, Buck.” Athena lets go of him, moving so she faces him. “My husband and my best friend, my friends, are in there, too,” she reminds him, silent tears running down her cheeks. “I want to go in there and take them all out myself as much as you do, but we can’t. My kids need me and Christopher needs at least one of you to survive this.”

“You think Eddie’s–?”

“No, no, no,” she quickly answers, hugging Buck. “That’s not what I meant, I’m sorry.”

Buck stays silent, crying into Athena’s arms. He admires how collected she is, the complete opposite of Buck himself. He’s never doubted her strength, toughness, and courage, and it’s the first time in days that he can be the weak one. So he lets himself be weak, be vulnerable. He lets Athena hold him in her arms, murmuring soothing words into his ear. It’s not that Maddie is weak, she’s one of the strongest people he knows, but she’s his sister, and even if she’s the oldest, Buck has always wanted to protect her, to be strong for her. The same goes for Christopher; the kid his tough, but he’s still just a kid.

Christopher needs at least one of you to survive this.

“It can’t be me,” Buck replies to the voice in his head, pulling away from Athena. “It has to be Eddie! I don’t know how– I can’t.”

“You will if you have to. You’re doing great with the kid,” the woman says even though he wasn’t really talking to her, instantly putting two and two together. “But let's not think about that now, we need to have faith. I’m sure he’s fine. I’m sure they all are.”

Buck shakes his head, tears still coming strong. “What if they’re not? I love him Athena. I love Eddie, and I never got to tell him. I– I should have told him when I first realized it. Why didn’t I? What if it’s too late?”

“He knows Buck,” Athena assures, confident. “We all know how much you love him and Christopher– we all know that you’re in love with him. We probably knew before you realized it,” she smiles, “and he loves you too.”

Buck opens his mouth to reply but before words come out, shouts echo in the night, covering the hustle and bustle of the machines. Buck’s and Athena’s heads snap in the direction of the shouts in sync.

“We’ve found survivors!” Someone yells.

*

As the site is finally safe enough, people start getting pulled up. After the first group of survivors, more are found, but dead bodies pile up, too. Buck silently watches the scene, Athena’s hand in his own, doing his best to stay hopeful, but hope fades with every rescued person who isn’t Eddie of a member of the 118. He knows it’s bad, every minute bringing him closer to the news he’s been fearing he’d have to hear since Maddie first called him, but Buck feels strangely calm, the way his free hand pulls at the sleeve of his jacket being the only sign of his nervousness. He doesn’t know when it happened, but he’s stopped crying, his tears leaving him drained of energy and almost empty inside. If he focuses enough on himself he can still feel the dead weight in his stomach, witness his heart painfully breaking into pieces, and sense that his breath is too shallow and quick to stay in his lungs long enough. However, his head is empty, his eyes staring at the debris without really seeing them. It’s like he’s not really here, or anywhere really. This is close to how Buck pictures death: big hollow emptiness. It’s almost comforting, relaxing.

“Buck…” Athena whispers his name, bringing him back to reality.

Face blank, Buck turns his head, and looks at her. Usually fierce and brave, Athena looks defeated, like she’s already accepted that nothing good will happen now. That’s exactly how Buck feels. Athena is slightly shaking, her teeth clenched and suddenly, she is squeezing his hand a bit too hard. Surprised, Buck looks down at their where their hands are. When he looks up, Athena’s eyes are still focused on the collapsed building, but there’s a small smile on her lips. Confused, Buck frowns as he focuses back on the rescue workers and the debris. They just got a new group of people out, and amongst the civilians, Buck sees them: firefighters. That jolts him out of his trance like state. Sounds come back into his ringing ears, and his heart leaps with hope. Buck squints, trying to make out their faces or anything that could prove to him that those firefighters are from the 118 in vain– they are too far. If only he could get closer…

Apparently, the thought crosses Athena’s mind too because, still holding Buck’s hand, she lifts the yellow tape and dives under it, dragging him with her. When the same officer as before tries to stop them, Athena introduces herself in her police officer voice, showing him her badge. The man just nods and walks away. By the time they reach them, the firefighters are getting checked out by another team of paramedics.

“Bobby,” Athena whispers, falling on her knees after she quickly hugs Hen.

The captain is sitting on some rubble, looking pale but conscious, his left leg covered in blood. Buck watches Athena takes her husband’s face in her hands and kiss him, unable to stop a small smile from spreading on his lips. A weight is taken off his shoulder, he’s so relieved. The cage squeezing his torso opens, allowing air to fill his lungs as he realizes that his family is okay. 

They all are hurt one way or another and covered in dust, but they are alive. Bobby has an open fracture. Hen has a nasty cut on her head but doesn’t show signs of a concussion. Chimney doesn’t seem to have any injuries, and Eddie– 

Where’s Eddie? Panic rises in Buck’s chest when he realizes that his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. He frantically looks around him, moving his head so quickly it spins again, but he can’t bring himself to care. Where’s Eddie? Why isn’t he here with the rest of the team? His vision blurs and his breathing turns shallow and raspy. Where’s Eddie? His hands begin to shake so intensely his entire body follows, and he almost loses his balance again. Where’s Eddie? 

“W– W– W– Where’s Eddie?” Buck stammers at no one in particular.

Hen replies. “He was right behind us.”

“He stayed behind to make sure everyone got out,” Chimney adds, confusedly looking around.

Buck blinks rapidly, his mouth hanging open as he processes the information. His mind is going at a mile a minute; he can’t think, he can’t talk, he can’t stand there and do nothing either. As his head snaps towards the tunnel that the team and other people used to get out, Buck doesn’t hesitate. He makes a run for it, fear spiraling in his head. All he can think about is how he needs to find Eddie. He needs to bring him back to Chris. He’s about to dip under the debris when the ground roars and trembles, pebbles, and dust falling from the top of the tunnel. Before it collapses on his head, a hand grabs the back of Buck’s jacket and pulls him away. Buck falls backward, his body hitting another one instead of stone. This is it, he thinks, this was his last chance to find Eddie, and it’s gone.

“No!” He screeches, trying to stand up, but strong arms wrap around him from behind, keeping him on the ground. Buck can’t breathe as he feels his heart break into a million pieces he’ll never ever be able to put back together. He flails and thrashes to get away from the stranger who’s keeping him away from the love of his life. 

“Let me go!” He shouts as loudly as his trembling voice allows him.

Buck can’t control the heartbroken, desperate tears that drench his cheeks. He’s not controlling anything anymore. It should be him. He would give anything to be in there instead of his boyfriend. Buck can’t live without him. Eddie can’t be dead. Christopher needs him. Buck needs him. Eddie has to be alive.

“Eddie,” Buck wails. “I need to find him! I need to find my boyfriend! Let me go!” He yells again, words interrupted by desperate hiccups, as he fights to get out of the stranger’s grip, but he only holds him tighter. “No, no, no.”

“Buck,” the stranger says, but all Buck can think about is Eddie and getting him out, finding him. “Stop,” the voice adds, grabbing his wrists as Buck tries to hit him, “it’s me! It’s Eddie.”

Buck freezes as the voice rings in his ears, looking at his lap with glazed eyes. He’s panting, his head spins, his heart is beating so loud it might explode. He can’t stop crying, but he would recognize that gravelly voice anywhere. The way it makes his chest vibrate, the way it makes his heart flutter, the way his entire body reacts to it… 

Freeing his hands, Buck pulls away and slowly turns around, scared he’s imagining it.

“Eddie…” Buck whispers, still not believing it really is his boyfriend, even though he’s looking at him.

Eddie smiles at him, nodding, and Buck feels like he can breathe for the first time in days. Eddie is alive– he’s okay. A thousand emotions and words twirl in Buck’s head as the panic vanishes, replaced by relief and happiness. Buck has never felt it stronger than he’s feeling it right now. His heart is beating so loud it echoes in his ears and so strong he stupidly thinks it’s going to jump out of his chest. A weird, yet pleasant, tingling rises in his belly, and warmth spreads across his entire body. Buck opens his mouth to speak, to say anything, but his lower lip quivers and instead of words, a sob comes out. Happy relieved tears join the hopeless ones on his cheeks as he lurches forward and wraps Eddie into a tight hug. 

“It’s okay, Ev,” he whispers in his ear, his breath warm against Buck’s skin, before pulling away just enough to look at him. “I’m okay. I got out, and I was helping someone over there,” he explains pointing in a direction Buck doesn’t give a glance at.

Buck refuses to get his eyes away from Eddie or blink, as if the second he does, his boyfriend will be gone again. He tells himself that Eddie’s safe, that he’s really here, but exhaustion and the fall out of all his emotions turn his brain into an irrational mess. Buck has to touch Eddie, he has to look at him. He can’t bring himself to look away or pull his hands off of him. He loves him so much, he can’t even imagine what he would have done if he had lost him.

“You’re okay,” Buck sighs before sealing his lips to Eddie’s in a desperate, furious kiss that he hopes can make Eddie feel how much he loves him. Eddie kisses him back with the same desperation, resting his hand against the side of his neck as his thumb caresses his jaw.

“I’m okay,” Eddie confirms with a nod once they pull away.

Buck nods, breathing deeply through his nose. “I thought I had lost you. I thought I would never see you again and that you were dead and that I’ll never have the chance to tell you that I love you. I do, Eddie, I do love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, more than I’ll ever love anyone. I– I–” he stutters, unable to put his thoughts in order, and Eddie cuts him off with a quick kiss on the lips.

“I love you, too,” Eddie smiles brightly making Buck frown at him and gently hit his arms. “Ow, what was that for?”

“Don’t ever do that again,” Buck replies, still frowning.

He knows his boyfriend had no control over the situation. He’s a firefighter, and it’s a dangerous job– one Buck would never ask him to give up. However, he kinda understands Ali a bit more now, why she left him after he got his leg crushed by a firetruck. Being the one left in fear and worry isn’t fun, but the difference between him and his ex-girlfriend is that Buck loves Eddie enough to not ask him to quit a job he cares so much about.

“I can’t lose you, never,” Buck claims, shaking his head. “I can’t imagine my life without you, I don’t want to. You… You’re the one for me, Eddie.” God, he sounds so cheesy… “I– I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want forever with you,” he avows, words coming out of his mouth fast and urgent before he can stop them. He doesn’t want to. He could have lost Eddie without him knowing how loved he was, so Buck doesn’t want to hold back anymore. He wants to let Eddie know how much he means to him. “I want forever with Christopher, too– with both of you– as a family. I never thought I would know what that means– family. Sure I had the 118, and I love them, but with you and Chris… It’s different. I want to be there for Chris, to watch him grow up and hug him when he’s sad and– and he called me dad today, and papa– he hasn’t decided yet. And I want to be there for you, to wake up next to you and love you every day for the rest of my life.”

Eddie’s eyes shine as he tilts his head to the side. “Ev, are you proposing?”

“No,” Buck laughs. “Yes! I don’t know… What if I am?” He asks with a shrug.

Eddie leans in and Buck barely has time to see the smile on his lips before they meet his. He gives him a long kiss, slow and full of love.

“My plan got ruined because I got trapped in this building,” Eddie shrugs, not really answering Buck’s question.

Buck’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “Your plan?”

“The zoo,” Eddie replies. “I was going to ask you to marry there.”

“You were?”

“There’s a ring hidden in my bedside table,” Eddie nods. “I want forever with you too. Chris does too. I talked about it to him and the first thing he asked was if he should call you dad or papa. I told him to ask you,” he laughs softly. “So I was going to tell you how much I love you and how good you are to Chris and to me, and I was going to ask you to be my husband.”

Buck looks at Eddie, his mouth open in wonder. Oh, how much he loves life right now…

“Does that mean we’re getting married?”

Eddie squints, looking like he’s pondering the question before smiling so widely the corners of his eyes wrinkle. “Yes. Yes, it does.”

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by the amazing [ bisexualbucks ](https://bisexualbucks.tumblr.com/), thank you so much for your hard work and awesome feedback! ♥
> 
> Special shoutout to [ my writing Buddie ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelSweeney13/pseuds/AngelSweeney13) for helping me and bouncing ideas with me! 
> 
> Fun fact: I got this idea after seeing a giftset of the Malec from season 2 on Tumblr
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox!
> 
> Comments and Kuddos are highly appreciated ♥


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